This Ugly Side of Mental Illness

I have talked before that my son is mentally ill.  People tend to get uncomfortable with the subject of mental illness.  I feel like if I am honest it helps educate people on some of the reality we live with.  My son is schizophrenic.  The majority of the time that means, he laughs to himself, he has no attention span, he can be moody.  He keeps his life little in our home.  He does not have any friends.
There was a time he was a popular, smart, amazing athlete.  The girls loved him.  Now he is alone.  That makes me very sad.  I have to try not to dwell on who he was.  Who he should have been.  I miss him.  My beautiful son.  I miss the babies he will never have.  I miss the wife that he should have.  I miss the twinkle he always had in his eyes.  He was funny.  I miss the way he was meticulous about his looks. Don't get me wrong, he was never easy.  He was a hard child to raise.  Exhausting. 
We have struggled for months.  One of the medications he took for years stopped working.  Slowly, slowly, he had to be weaned off his old medicine.  Slowly, slowly they put him on new medicine. It did not work.  The doctor increased the doses.  It did not work.  The last month has been exhausting.  He stays awake for days.  He barely eats.  He takes apart things that do not need to be taken apart.  He moves things around.  If I can't find something, I know he has taken it.  We have locks on all the bedroom doors to keep him from getting into our things.  It is not a great way to live. 
Today he was committed.  He let my husband drive him to the hospital.  Based on the information we gave the doctor, he admitted him.  I spent most of the afternoon and evening shaking like I am cold.  I know it is a form of shock.  Tonight I took something to calm me.  I am hoping to have a quiet night of sleep.  My son will not be wandering around the house. 
On one hand, I need to use this time to regroup.  Get some rest.  On the other hand when I think about how scared he is, it makes me terribly sad.  I do not know how long he will be gone.  I just want to crawl in bed and stay for days.  I might do that.
It was such a sad day.  I feel some bitterness.  I feel like I failed.  I should have been able to keep my son safe from something this bad.  I just could not stop it. Today I am very sad.