Terrible Relief

Today my son, Joel, is on the way to the hospital.  He did not want me to go with.  He only wanted my husband to take him.  It has been a terrible week-end with him.  Most of the time he had no idea what was going on.  I will not get into the details.  We are lucky to live in a small town where people take care of their own.  I feel very fortunate for the way events happened in the last two days.  I know he needs help that we cannot give him.  I am sad because I think he will be in long-term care this time.  That means being sent further away from home.  I also know we will try to put him in a group home instead of bringing him here.  That breaks my heart into too many pieces to mend.  It is the right thing for him.  If it were not, I would never let it happen.  If love could heal him, he would be well.  He is so loved by his family.  He will never know how much.  A Mother should never have to give up on a child. 

 Joel is my baby.  His sister will tell you he was always the favorite.  He looks like me.  He used to be more like me than my daughter.  He and I are always early places.  We cannot stand to be late.  If we were going to an event, it would be him and I waiting for his sister and Dad.  He would look at me and say, why is it always us waiting for them.  He is more obsessive about things, like I am. 

Today he is very angry with me.  He said he would never forgive me.  He said he never wants to see me again.  It could be a rant.  It could also be a fact that he will hold onto.  He can hate me.  I will still love him with all my heart.  I am not Catholic.  I have family that are.  I have been told the Patron Saint of Mental Illness is St. Dymphna.  If you pray, please pray for Joel to be surrounded by love.  If you pray to Saints, please pray to St. Dymphna.  If you do not pray, just send out positive thoughts our way.  I pray that he feels loved and not alone while his doctor tries to help him.  Thanks.