Doctor Google

I went to visit my son today.  It did not go well.  The drive took 1 hour and 15 minutes.  The visit was about 15 minutes.  Crying in the parking lot another 10 minutes.  Crying all the way home was over two hours.  There are so many terrible things going on right now.
The most terrible part of today is Joel is losing his ability to speak clearly.  I could only understand one out of every ten words of less.  Most of his words sound like gibberish.  Sometimes he moves his mouth and words do not come out.  This problem has been getting progressively worse.  I have a speech pathologist in my family.  I described some of his symptoms to her the other night.  She sent me some information and things to look for on the visit today.  My sister in law and I have a diagnosis of something called Dysarthria.  This can be caused by a reaction to medicine.
Keep in mind I could not understand what my son was trying to say.  He does not realize how garbled his speech is.  I talked to his nurse and social worker.  They act like this speech problem is no big deal.  Here is a quote, "he might have to relearn how to speak."  I heard that statement several times.  Like, no big deal.  If, they ever manage to get the schizophrenia under control, all we have to do is teach him how to speak all over again.  Awesome!  Because his problems do not seem insurmountable as it is.  Now there are terrible side effects from medications.  Joel was frustrated because I could not understand him.  He was also falling asleep while he was sitting next to me.  I did understand him saying he did not feel good.  When he stood up he was swaying.  He had trouble holding onto the magazines I took him.  He is in terrible physical and mental shape.  If he was considered "ill" I could go into his room and sit next to his bed.  He just wanted to be in bed.  I could pull the covers up around him, like Moms like to do when our children are sick.  No matter how old they are.  I could rub his hand and tell him he will get better.  I could tell him the doctors will take good care of him.
That cannot happen.  I do not even know where his doctors come from.  I do not know when they show up to see him.  I heard the psychiatrist is only required to see Joel once a week.  Today I heard there is a medical doctor too.  I asked the social worker to have his doctor call me.  No call yet.  I cannot enter the area where Joel stays.  He has to come and meet me in this public waiting room.  There is no privacy.  Today the area had quite a few people in there.  That did not make Joel comfortable. 
I got home feeling at a loss.  I do not know what to do with all this grief.  When I think of all he was and see him now, I feel broken.  He was so coordinated.  Such a great athlete.  Now he has no balance.  He cannot speak clearly.  He shakes.  I grieve every time I see him.  It feels like I have lost him all over again.  What kind of mother would I be if I did not visit him?  I have to be his advocate.  I have to make sure all his caregivers know there are people out here expecting them to take care of Joel.  After Joel went back into the facility, I was still sitting in the visiting area in shock.  His case worker asked me if I was ok.  No, NO, no.  How can I possibly be ok.  I understand they probably see people in this condition quite often.  I do not.  This is my child.  As I was walking out, she was trying to think of something positive to say to me.  She said, "at least you know he is safe."  I do not know that.  My son has been gone for almost a month.  In many ways he is in worse shape now.  Today I realized I have to put something new on my list to worry about.  He could die from all these terrible medications.  He could die and he would be all alone in there.  I think of it as terrible.  That is not fair.  The people I have talked to seem to care about Joel.  They seem to know what they are doing.  Because I cannot see where he is living, my imagination is not going to a happy place. 
Tonight I spent hours on the internet.  I have a full list of all Joel's medications.  I googled every medication for side effects.  I googled Dysarthria.  I am sure that is what Joel is suffering from.  Luckily, we have a speech pathologist in the family.  If, Joel ever gets back home, we can work on getting his speech back.  One of the dangers right now is from Joel not being able to chew and swallow correctly.  He could aspirate some food and end up with pneumonia. 
Does your head feel like blowing up from all this information?  Mine does.  Tomorrow I am going to try to see my doctor.  Speaking of medications, she might need to get me something to take before I visit Joel.  I know my counselor will give me some words of wisdom on how to cope with the long journey we are on.  Tonight I will try to get some sleep.  Start all over again tomorrow.