The Phone

Last night was the first time I talked on the phone to a friend in a while.  Reason being, I do not have the energy.  People say, "call if you want to talk."  I never want to talk.  My conversation was with the Old Lady.  If you know the Old Lady or even her reputation, you know she is not happy with me right now.  Normally, I am good at pushing through life.  When the going gets tough, I can handle it.   That is not happening.  The OL is like a football coach at half-time.  If butts need to be kicked, she is not afraid to be the one to do the kicking.  The thing is, I know I am in a bad place.  I recognize it.  I know I have to be the one to get myself back on track.  I really am working with a counselor and doctor on regaining control over my life.  I wish it was happening more quickly.  I like to think on a normal basis I am not pathetic. 
I know there is raw emotion on this blog that is tough for people to read.  I will say it again, I have made the decision to be a voice for mental illness and how my family is affected by the mental illness.  It is not a pretty picture right now.  I wish I would have started talking about it the many years we had good things to say.  There have been good times.  We have enjoyed our son and been proud of how well he has done.  Last month was the first time he was hospitalized since 2002.  That is an amazing feat for a person that is suffering from schizophrenia.
The other side of that is my son started this spiral down almost a year ago.  He has just kept getting worse.  Mental illness is not like other illnesses.  There is not one magic solution.  There is not one definitive pill or even combination of pills that work the same on every person.  Example: for years my son took two medications with a total of 5 pills a day.  Worked great.  Today he is taking 13 pills of 5 different medications.  Still not working.  If they ever get this right, he might go back on just a few pills a day.  This is not his doctor's fault.  Though I wish he would have put him on more medications when he was in the hospital and have kept him longer.  My point, the past year has gradually beat me down.  Slowly cracking my tough exterior. 
If you are wondering did OL's kick my butt half-time talk help?  In the sense that I have missed her and was glad to hear her voice, that was nice.  Glad to know she is still in my corner.  Do I feel more like jumping up and taking on life again?  Not so much.  I was having a very bad day yesterday.  More than my new normal of a bad day.  I miss my real life.  I miss seeing my friends.  I miss sitting with my team at work laughing.  I miss saying how much I dislike the Cowboys.  I miss hearing about my friend's lives.  Looking at pictures of every one's babies.  Hearing sarcasm.  Laughing at the ridiculous things we laugh at.  Watching the "Tree of Hope" grow.  I even miss our team duck.  I am trying.  I think I feel better this week than I did last week.  I have set some goals and I am working at achieving the goals. 
My son is not going to be healed.  I know it.  I would like to see him in a better place.  I would like to find a place for him to live which is not going to be easy.  Mainly, I would like to feel better.  I want to be strong again.  Because no matter what is going on with him, the problem I really have to overcome is me. 
If you are my friend what can you do for me?  Text me, send me an e-mail, send me a message on Facebook.  Try to be understanding of what I am going through.  I miss real conversations.  I will be back into my real life soon. 
I will write a positive post in the next two days.  I will set that as one of my goals.  Old Lady, don't give up on me yet.