Friday Night

Cannot relax to get to sleep.  Just finished reading the new Nicholas Sparks book, The Best of Me.  It was good.  I should have enjoyed it more but feeling uneasy today.  Son had not sleep since yesterday afternoon.  I have not heard him for about 30 minutes so I am hoping he is sleeping. 
It is starting to look like Uncle is not going to come out of this.  I just do not get it.  He did so well for so long.  It is breaking my heart.  Sometimes I just lay in bed like a zombie.  If I do not leave my room, I do not have to face the reality.  This is something my Counselor is helping me come to terms with.  Taking the steps I need to take to regain some strength.  Taking the steps to admit that we cannot take care of Uncle right now.  It has become too much for us.  The stress, the lack of sleep, it is more than we can handle.  I have been off work and I need to get back to it.  Seriously, it freaks me out for lack of a better description.  Right now I have created this small safe place for myself.  I see my daughter's family, I see my brother and his wife, I see my counselor and I go to the store when I have to.  Most of the time I do not have the energy to do more than basic housework.  Everything is a mess!  That is crazy because I am home.  I have the time to do things.  I just cannot find any motivation. 
I usually set a few goals with my Counselor.  This week I am suppose to concentrate on sleeping even if my son is awake at night.  We had this conversation about what is the worst that will happen if I hear my son up and do not get out of bed.  This was one of those obvious moments.  I have been trained for so long to wake up at the slightest noise to see what he is doing.  Now I need to train myself to let it go.  If he is not going to hurt himself, hurt us, burn down the house, leave the house; there is no reason for me to get up.  Once I get up I get so upset about whatever odd thing he is doing that I have a hard time sleeping.  This will not be easy.  But, I cannot be functional without sleep.  That has to become a priority.  (As I sit and type at 12:30 am because I cannot sleep.) 
Next I had to make the call and start the process to find a group home or whatever is available for Uncle to live.  I need to know how well he has to be to live in a group home.  I said I would do it today.  Ignored it as long as possible.  In the end, I made the call and have an appointment.  Here is the thing.  I love my family.  I put my family before my needs all the time.  But...keeping my son home is not helping him.  It is stressing Hubby and I to the point we are both barely functional.  Obviously, this was a big discussion with my Counselor.  I am not being a bad parent if I cannot take care of my son anymore.  I know that in my brain.  But my heart is having a hard time with it!!  The thing is this stress is hurting our health.  If we are not here to take care of Uncle, he needs to be somewhere people can take care of him.
Each day when I get up I pray it is the day things become better.  That is part of why I do not like to leave my bed.  I wake up and stay in my room as long as I can.  We have seen some positive signs.  Just as quickly he turns bad.  He won't even know who he is.  He will not recognize me as his Mom. 
I will end this and work on my first goal.  Get some sleep.