I wish I would have thought to get a cash advance to write a book about this journey I have been on. It would have been more interesting to travel to other countries while I have found the strength and courage to face this time in my life. It would have been more interesting if I were doing yoga in an exotic and beautiful country. Even without traveling to other countries and enjoying interesting foods, this has still been a journey within myself. I have always considered myself a very strong person. Per my counselor, I still am a very strong person. It is shocking to me how I was brought to my knees by this sadness. It is not in my character to get knocked down by things in my life. I am not a person that turns to my doctor in a crisis. I never thought I would need a counselor to get me through tough times. I like to be self-reliant.
That said, I did need help. I have seen my doctor so many times in the last few months. It took strength for me to go to her and say, life has over-whelmed me and I need help. I would not have done that if I did not have a trusting relationship with my doctor. I have been seeing her for years. She has helped me so much in the last three months. I hate taking medication. Right now, I need it. I need to sleep well at night. I need something to help me deal with the stress and sadness. She also helped me with her words. Telling me that when strong women finally crumble it is a hard fall. She admitted she has been through it. The best thing she did for me was to refer me to a counselor.
I have said it before, seeing a counselor was not my thing. It is now. I think finding the right person to talk to is so important. My counselor will tell me if she thinks I am wrong. She helps me see so many obvious things. She has helped me find a path out of my despair. I find myself using her phrases. I try to, "be an advocate" for my son. I look for ways of giving me "self care." Sometimes I even have to verbalize, "how things make me feel." To face tough things, I describe, "how events will look to me."
Even I admit these phrases sound like they are out of a comedy. In the past I would have not been able to open myself up to a stranger. Somehow it works. I trust her. I can say things to her I do not even like to admit to myself. I can bring up small problems I am facing and she brings a new perspective for me to see.
Most importantly, I have had time off work to recover. Right now I am keeping my world small. I do not do things that make me feel stressed. If I am tired, I go to bed early. Two nights over the long holiday week-end I slept over 12 hours a night. I would not have done that before. Now I know my body needs it. I am working through so much stress. It is exhausting.
Today I feel better than I have in weeks. I am getting through a list of things I needed to get done. Some of my Christmas decorations are even up. It has helped that I had a good visit with my son, my daughter had a good visit, and my husband had a good visit. I feel like it is possible he will come out of this. I know it will not be quick. Right now I am just happy for small improvements.
My blog has helped too. Writing is a great release. There are days I write things that never get posted. The writing helps. The positive energy I get back from so many of you helps too.
The journey is not over. I know the holidays will not be easy. I think I am in a better place with better tools available to cope. Thanks for the part all of you are playing in my journey. I wanted to share an optimistic day I experienced. There have been too many depressing days.
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