Eat, Share, Read

I wish I would have thought to get a cash advance to write a book about this journey I have been on.  It would have been more interesting to travel to other countries while I have found the strength and courage to face this time in my life.  It would have been more interesting if I were doing yoga in an exotic and beautiful country.  Even without traveling to other countries and enjoying interesting foods, this has still been a journey within myself.  I have always considered myself a very strong person.  Per my counselor, I still am a very strong person.  It is shocking to me how I was brought to my knees by this sadness.  It is not in my character to get knocked down by things in my life.  I am not a person that turns to my doctor in a crisis.  I never thought I would need a counselor to get me through tough times.  I like to be self-reliant.
That said, I did need help.  I have seen my doctor so many times in the last few months.  It took strength for me to go to her and say, life has over-whelmed me and I need help.  I would not have done that if I did not have a trusting relationship with my doctor.  I have been seeing her for years.  She has helped me so much in the last three months.  I hate taking medication.  Right now, I need it.  I need to sleep well at night.  I need something to help me deal with the stress and sadness.  She also helped me with her words.  Telling me that when strong women finally crumble it is a hard fall.  She admitted she has been through it.  The best thing she did for me was to refer me to a counselor. 
I have said it before, seeing a counselor was not my thing.  It is now.  I think finding the right person to talk to is so important.  My counselor will tell me if she thinks I am wrong.  She helps me see so many obvious things.  She has helped me find a path out of my despair.  I find myself using her phrases.  I try to, "be an advocate" for my son.  I look for ways of giving me "self care."  Sometimes I even have to verbalize, "how things make me feel."  To face tough things, I describe, "how events will look to me." 
Even I admit these phrases sound like they are out of a comedy.  In the past I would have not been able to open myself up to a stranger.  Somehow it works.  I trust her.  I can say things to her I do not even like to admit to myself.  I can bring up small problems I am facing and she brings a new perspective for me to see. 
Most importantly, I have had time off work to recover.  Right now I am keeping my world small.  I do not do things that make me feel stressed.  If I am tired, I go to bed early.  Two nights over the long holiday week-end I slept over 12 hours a night.  I would not have done that before.  Now I know my body needs it.  I am working through so much stress.  It is exhausting.
Today I feel better than I have in weeks.  I am getting through a list of things I needed to get done.  Some of my Christmas decorations are even up.  It has helped that  I had a good visit with my son, my daughter had a good visit, and my husband had a good visit.  I feel like it is possible he will come out of this.  I know it will not be quick.  Right now I am just happy for small improvements.
My blog has helped too.  Writing is a great release.  There are days I write things that never get posted.  The writing helps.  The positive energy I get back from so many of you helps too. 
The journey is not over.  I know the holidays will not be easy.  I think I am in a better place with better tools available to cope.  Thanks for the part all of you are playing in my journey.  I wanted to share an optimistic day I experienced.  There have been too many depressing days.

Things I've Been Doing

Tonight I finished the book, Saving CeeCee Honeycutt by Beth Hoffman.  This is the second time I read the book.  I first read it in November.  Today I read it for the book club.  Still not sure if I will attend the meeting. Loved reading the book even more the second time around.  This book has a beautiful cover and is a great story.  I want to be in the story.  Living the life in Savannah.  I want these women to be my friends. 

Today was another up and down day in my life.  Seems like how it goes right now.  First I had some Princesses stop by for tea (pink lemonade).  One Fairy Butterfly.  I was the Queen.  I am not allowed to be a Fairy.  Per bossy Tink's instructions, I always have to be the human.  Story of my life.  The tea party was wonderful.  Nothing like a group of beautiful little girls to fill the house with giggles.  My favorite part is when Hubby and Uncle would come near the party, the little girls would say; "No boys allowed."  The party was under two hours.  I was not sad to see all the Princesses leave.

 Note my grand child has to be the one standing on her seat.  The other grand child is missing due to a pout.  Great nieces sitting where they should be.

Tink looks a bit under the weather.  She had issues with the game of duck, duck, goose.  She wanted to play Fairy Butterflies.



 I promise the Princesses looked happier earlier.  It was time to go.  They were tired.  (I was tired!)

When I woke up this morning Uncle had not slept.  I still had some hope that things were looking up.  He seemed more agreeable.  He was happy to see the little girls.  I even felt organized and put chili in the crockpot.  After the girls left Uncle's mood turned.  I am trying to work on him smoking less.  It worked during the morning.  Then Uncle decided he was not going to play my one cigarette an hour game anymore.  He threw a 3 yr. old tantrum.  I stood up to him for awhile and then lost my temper.  I left, went to my brother's and held their little dogs.  Normally, I am not a big fan of poodles.  But, I love my brother's poodle Josh.  I sat and talked to Josh while my sister in law got dialysis going.  Puppy calmed me, I came home for a nap.  Uncle was calm when I got home.  The major problem right now is, I do not have patience.  I am exhausted.  I am OVER it.  Unfortunately, I cannot be over it.  My emotions are not as controlled as they need to be.
One thing I have been trying to do is get out and walk.  Exercise my body and hope it helps my spirit. I did not get my walk around the lake today.  It is really more of a pond.  It is called, Lion's Lake.  It is 3/4 mile around.  I really enjoy it.  This is another place I got to find peace.  One side of the pond is under trees, feels like I am walking in a forest.  One side is open.  I do not go out there alone.  Really does not feel safe.  When Hubby goes with me, he walks a lap, sits a lap.  I think he likes how peaceful it is too.

Today I received this great text from Millhouse.  It was her little boy SBR.  Before he was born I sent him books.  One of the books was Moo, Baa, Faa La La.  Well SBR learned to say the La La part.  When I figured out what he was saying I just started smiling and laughing out loud.  Had to play it several times.  Next thing I know tears are running down my face and I am having a ridiculous cry over his little voice.  Then Millhouse sent me a text of SBR giggling and giggling.  That is why I love my Millhouse.  She knows what I need right now.  It is very odd for me to be crying out of nowhere.  For years I did not cry.  I know that was a problem.  I learned to repress my feelings a bit too much.  I missed crying over sappy movies.  I look forward to maybe having more normal emotions.

I'm a Gemini

I love to read a good book.  I can even get arrogant about the types of books I like to read.  I like knowing that I have read classics.  I love when a book stimulates great conversation and makes me think.  My point here is that is one side of my personality.  The part of me that takes the high road.  Now let me talk about the low road.
I have mentioned before I love reality TV.  Tonight alone I watched:  HGTV Design Challenge, Flipping Out (I love Flipping Out), Little Couple, and for dessert; Billy The Exterminator. 
Don't judge me.  If you have not watched Flipping Out, you cannot judge.  Jeff cracks me up.  How many employers will pay for their employee to have plastic surgery?  I would put up with his rude behavior for plastic surgery!!
Honestly, I was going to go to bed after Little People.  But.....tonight was the premier for Billy The Exterminator.
 The Good, The Bad
The Pretty, The Ugly
Two Sides of My Coin