An Update On Me

My son has been home since late Wednesday afternoon.  I wish I could say it is all rainbows and puppy dogs.  Realistically, I know it takes time for the new medication to really get in his system.  But, I have tired of dealing with him being so unstable and was hoping for more!!  He is better than when he went into the hospital.  There are positive changes.  His sleep patterns are still a mess.  That means my sleep patterns can be a mess.  None of this is new.  What is new is my current state of, "I can't deal with this anymore."  A mini breakdown of I am so tired of having to take care of him of be strong.  So I am not pretending that it is all fine.  I am not pretending that this does not get to be too much.  It is too much.
Most of the time I try not to face all of this head-on.  I take it as it comes.  Right now I have let myself become over-whelmed with the fact that I cannot have a normal life.  I have allowed myself to feel sorry for me.  I am a bit angry.  I want to be able to leave for a week-end without having to find someone to stay at the house.  I want to leave doors unlocked.  Sleep without a fan on.  I want freedom from the stress.  That said, we are not the kind of people that can give up on our son.  If he was physically ill, no one would think twice about the fact we take care of him.  No one would wonder why we are so physically and mentally spent from taking care of him.  Since it is a mental illness, I feel like people have a harder time understanding. 
What I am doing to get through this?  I am surrounding myself with people that love me.  I am taking walks.  I am sleeping too much.  I am talking to a counselor.  That means I had to admit I am not strong enough to handle this myself.  Much harder than it should be.  I am trying to read.  I am taking time for me.  I wish I could just run away for awhile. 
Unfortunately, my son is still here.  We still have to help him get better.  We do not get to run away. Hubby is exhausted from all of this too.  We are quietly trying to regroup. 
One positive note.  Uncle did manage to watch the Bears yesterday.  That is a good sign.  He has not had the focus to watch sports in awhile.  Don't get me wrong, it was not sitting quietly watching the game.  But...it is a start.
Thanks to those of you putting your good thoughts our way.