Today has been my saddest day since all of this started with Joel. I just feel broken. I have spent the last seven hours crying, crying, and more crying. I made the decision to not go visit him today. I called and talked to his day nurse. After I left last night they had a hard time getting Joel to calm down. I needed to see him today. I decided it was not the best thing for him.
It is so difficult to not have him here. We have spent so many years taking care of him. Not being able to help him is over-whelming me with sadness. I seriously cannot believe we have lost him like this. As bad as it was having him ill, he was happy. He had his little world. He would get angry once in awhile. For the most part he was fine with his life.
Right now in order to control him he has to be so over-medicated. All the medication makes him feel so terrible. His words are slurred. He does not like the feelings and fights the medication. Not just taking it but allowing it to work. He does not want it to relax him. I am not sure how someone can heal in that cold, sterile environment.
He called me tonight. He was crying that he is never going to be let out. How can a heart that is broken in so many pieces feel more broken? There is a tiny glimmer of hope in that call. I think I am just searching for any signs of hope. For a moment he seemed just a little more clear.
I am going to call his nurse later tonight to find out how the rest of his evening went. At this point I do not even know what a good report would sound like.
3 comments:
Sad.
-Joel's sister
My heart aches for you. Just let these words know others are thinking and praying for you and your family. Mrs. Mom
I appreciate all the prayers and compassion we have received.
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