Faith

The ups and downs of mental illness are exhausting.  Today was a much improved day.  We were suppose to have a hearing to have my son committed for up to 90 days for long-term care.  It is court held in the hospital.  There is a Judge, State's Attorney, and Public Defender.  I was suppose to be a witness.  I did not want to be a witness.  My fear was that my son would listen to me talk about all the things he had been doing wrong and would not be able to forgive me.  I would be the person that committed him for 90 days. I asked my son to sign himself in so we did not have to go through the hearing.  He was going to go away either way.  Happily, he signed the papers. 
We were able to have a short visit before he was transferred to his new facility.  He was MUCH improved from last night.  Keep in mind that is based on a very low bar.  He is far, far, far from being well.  There were some positive things.  He did not say anything hateful to me.  He joked around a couple of times.  He had a real conversation with me about the little girls.  He is still a good Uncle.  He even smiled talking about how smart they are.  Physically he looked better.  He was in street clothes.  I know that helped.  He needs his "things."  There is nothing healthy about sitting in an empty room with a cot they are trying to pretend is a bed wearing hospital scrubs. 
Just received the first call from my son in his new location.  He is very upset.  He does not know where he is.  It is a town he is unfamiliar with.  He is out of his element. He had to give up his possessions to be inventoried.  I am sure he will take a couple of steps back tonight.  That is fine.  I can handle it.  Today I found my mustard seed.  My friend across the aisle today reminded me hope does not have to be big.  It can be as small as a mustard seed.  When she said it this morning I said I could not see it.  I was sad and angry and losing hope.  I started writing this blog, I realized the gift I was given today. 

"...if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."
– Matthew 17:20

Tru Stories mentioned last night she was missing her Grandma.  She felt like we needed her yesterday.  Her patience, her kindness, and her love.  She just touched my heart and I heard her loud and clear.